Monthly Archives: January 2004


Jed and Andy are on the road (as far as I know). Best of luck to 'em. Since they're busy putting miles on the car and ticking off states that they've visited, I thought this would be relevant…

Create your own visited states map…

Does driving straight through a state without actually getting out, count as visiting? Sure, why not. I'd post the Visited Countries map too, but mine isn't very impressive. Heck, I haven't even been to Canada.

I am now that guy

You know the guy. That one sitting in the coffee shop on his lunch break with a copy of the giant 1000-page Infinite Jest open in front of him. Yup, that's now me. So far I find it rather boring and irritatingly written (which is particularly funny considering I just finished and enjoyed Mezzanine by Nicholson Baker). Go ahead, try to start an argument with me. I don't know shit about modern literature.

Anyway, at least I'm not that guy in the coffee shop with his Nextel two-way phone turned up to full volume, bleep-Bleep-ing every ten seconds as he carries on a seemingly endless conversation. At least I'm not him. I'm only sitting next to him.

Feigning illness for morning gameshows

Everybody at one time or another pretended to be sick in order to stay home from school, or gave it their best try. My mother had a pretty good policy to thwart these mock-sickness attempts, and it simply consisted of taking our temperature. If after 5 minutes of awkward under-the-tongue placement, the thermometer didn't show a fever, we were going to school. I made a few unsuccessful attempts at pretending to be sick that were defeated in just such a way. But one morning when I tried the, “I don't feel well” and the thermometer was stuck in my mouth, I had an idea. When my mother walked into the kitchen to prepare my sister's lunch, I took the thermometer and held it up to the lightbulb of the lamp next to me. I was so proud of myself for thinking of this tactic. It was genius. But wait… What if it gets too hot and the temperature is too high to be believable? What if lit light bulbs are actually cooler than our internal body temperature? It might not work! I heard my mother returning and quickly put the thermometer back under my tongue. She reached down and pulled the thermometer out. I looked up at her with the best sick/tired/pleading look I could muster, plus a forehead full of nervous sweat, which I think helped my case. 102 degrees Fahrenheit. Success! I was staying home.
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The Great Renaming or Not

*Update: A number of people have mentioned that they like Collections (not to mention my cousin, who will cry if I change it), and none of the potential new name ideas really jumped out at me. I'll hold off on any renaming for now.

For quite a while I've had the thought of renaming this page. “Collections” was well and good 4 years ago when I started jotting down a, well, collection of random crap online, and I didn't have the domain name, but now it just doesn't work anymore. Yes, renaming the site will be a pain in the ass, will break a lot of links, I'll have to set up forwards and 404 pages, etc… but it will no longer be the 2 billionth weblog titled “Collections”. Of course this is all dependent on whether Movabletype will allow for an easy directory shift, or if it'll just choke and die, and give me the finger.

So, I'm taking suggestions for new subdomains that this weblog should reside in (or if you think I should just keep it here). A couple of my thoughts are “”, “”, “”, or maybe “”. What else has a nice ring to it?

But I didn’t inhale

Last night I took up smoking, I smoked my first cigarette, decided it was my last cigarette, and quit. According to the smokers and ex-smokers at the table, I didn't so much smoke the cigarette as I just manhandled it and looked dumb. Alex also pointed out that seeing a non-smoker try to smoke really made him want a cigarette. I think my decision to quit was for the best. What even possessed me to try it? Try everything once, right? No, I'm almost positive it was the three shots and numerous pints. Tonight… peyote.

In other non cancer causing news… Jed and I officially have an apartment lined up! Pictures coming soon. Countdown to Jed's arrival is now on the side column. It'll be a busy couple weeks, but come February it's party time. I just hope I can get my TV and VCR set up in time on Feb. 1st for the Superbowl (for the ads) and the Survivor: All-Stars premiere. Wait a second, why are they giving most of the previous winners a chance to win _another_ million dollars? And why isn't it in Antarctica yet?!

Dreaming a Sci-fi epic

Last night I had a very long, involved dream, which I remembered most of when I awoke. I didn't get a chance to write it down until now, just before I'm going to bed again. I know if I don't start writing now, I'll end up dreaming again tonight, then not get around to writing down either dream tomorrow, or the next day, until the diluted mess of dreams slowly escapes me by the end of the week. Brace yourself, this is going to be long. If you have the patience to venture on, it all began one night when most of the population of my home town all disappeared…
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A year-ish in Search Strings

I nearly forgot about my monthly wrap-up of the best search strings. So not only will I give you the best of December '03, but I will then give you some of the best search strings from all of '03 (since July, because that's when I started recording them all).

December '03 brought us, well, a lot of dirty search strings:

* More than 100 hits for elephant drawings and variations thereof
* santorum frothy
* how are paris hilton and nicole ritchie related (only in their filthy rich, ignorant, small-town-destroying smugness)
* bar room whores
* britney spears dominatrix shrug
* drunk snowman
* fuck emissions testing
* girl flat stomach in tube top (if I have any on my site, please tell me!)
* guinness world record longest penis (definitely the right site for that, baby)
* i hardly know her
* i like fat chicks (head to Taco Bell and order a Gordita)
* owes me a blowjob
* swimteam pictures boys
* trick or treat smell my feet
* up your dress
* what to do while drunk (see the above list for suggestions)

Needless to say, December was not a family-friendly month on this weblog. And without further ado, here are my ten favorite search strings from 2003, in no particular order:

* clean shaven schizophrenia
* pierced my ears wife
* dorothy fucked oz
* trucker hat glasses pabst blue ribbon hoodie
* pictures of hairy birthmarks
* how do eskimos survive in antarctica (they don't!!)
* tall belgian dominatrix fantasy
* i hardly know her
* his slut wife messed up and got fucked
* everyone wants to be recognized

Playing in the Snow

girlsnow.jpg Even though Seattleites for the most part don't know how to handle snow, they sure know how to have a good time with it. Plenty of people with days off turned the closed streets (and some open ones) into sledding hills. Since nothing was ever really plowed, the streets worked great. People were creating makeshift sleds and toboggans out of signs, cardboard boxes, tables, tupper-ware containers, and whatever else they could find. Here's a short video of a guy sledding down Denny St (2.5mb .avi). We then trekked over to just outside our local bar and waged a two hour snowball fight with anyone and everyone brave enough to join in, and a few of those who didn't. What a fun evening. Now to walk to work in the rain and slush.

Here are some photos from the craziness yesterday.

Walking in a Winter Chaos-land

After a week in New England with temperatures around 50, and a lot of rain, I wasn't really looking forward to going back to the same weather in Seattle, but lo and behold… we've got a genuine New England winter in Seattle! There are about 2 inches of snow on the ground and it's still coming down. The local news keeps making it sound like a major disaster. They really don't know how to deal with snow here. It's hilarious.

Newscaster inside: “We have these special cars with cameras out on the road to show you some first-person footage of what it's like to drive in this. Let's go to one now.”
Newscaster in car: “Here's some footage we had earlier of an accident on a hill downtown.”
Newscaster inside: “This is the footage where you crashed too, isn't it?”

Newscaster listing some closings: “…and Pierce County is… closed”

Newscaster inside to newscaster outside on the streets: “Those streets still look like they have a lot of snow on them, have you seen any plows go by? Wait… do we even have plows?”

Newscaster: “And now for a weather update.”
Weatherman: “It's still snowing.”

Celebrating the Holidays

These past two weeks were a blast. Even though northwest CT is quiet and sometimes a little dull, I had a great time relaxing, partying with friends and playing a crapload of poker. And now to share the pictures I've got from the past couple weeks. For some reason, my camera didn't number them all in order, so it jumps around a bit (I'm too lazy to rename or reorganize things). A couple pictures from the Mohegan Sun Casino trip on 1/2, then it jumps to Jed's party the night of 1/3, then back to Christmas Eve in Seattle, then to the first poker night with the gang, on 12/29. Take a look for yourself.