The Bold and the Innocent

This story of the guy divorcing his wife via text-messaging has made the rounds on the internet lately. Today, via Metafilter, this story shows up in the Guardian about the 15 cruellest break-ups in history.

The first thing that popped in my head was my heart-breaker in 6th grade. This was the era when weeks were considered long-term, and “going out” meant occasionally kissing on a dare during lunchtime. Well, I'd had a crush on this girl (J) for a long time and finally got up the courage to ask her out one day, and to my surprise, she said yes! Less than a week later, we'd kissed! Roughly 3 weeks went by, I'd kissed her 2 more times than I could count with both hands, and I was psyched. This was going places. Then one fateful day the following conversation took place during lunchtime:

J's FRIEND: Hey, C (that's me), would you dump J, if you found out she kissed another guy?
C: I dunno. Maybe.
J's FRIEND: C'mon, would you? If she kissed someone else?
C: Yeah, I guess.
J's FRIEND: OK then, J kissed someone else.
C: OK then, I break up with her.
J's FRIEND: There you go, J.
C: Wait, were you serious?
J's FRIEND: Yeah
J: (shrugs)
C: So are we broken up now?
J's FRIEND: Yeah
C: J, did you kiss someone else?
J: No
C: Well, then will you go out with me again?
J: No

An entire life lesson (or two, or three) in less than two minutes during 6th grade lunch. After that dramatic moment at the table, we all gathered up the most disgusting food from the day's lunch and put it in a ziploc bag to make barf.

4 thoughts on “The Bold and the Innocent

  1. The Admiral

    yeah, i remember you two were the hot couple for the longest time (like 2 weeks…which as you pointed out, is forever in 6th grade)

    it’s all for the best though, because she turned out to be a complete loonatic.

    but her older sister was HOT (y’know, in the ‘she’s an older girl who lives on my road’ type hot)

    come to think of it, another ‘J’ who lived on my road had a hot sister. not to mention she was also very hot herself.

    waitasec, why i am realizing all these hot girls lived on my road, like 10 years later. Sigh

    well, it was much more fun running around in your xmas trees…in fact, i’d be willing to bet it’s still much more fun running around in your xmas trees. “iceman is down! go get the smelling salts!”

  2. andrewgd

    Hey, whats stopping us from still running around through his Christmas trees? His parents? Ha!

    I think I still have a sack of 6 sets of laser guns…. hmmm….

  3. lopolis

    Iceman was always down. I think we spent more time rescuing/reviving you than doing anything useful. Come to think of it, we were a pretty crappy action-hero team.

    Oh, and feel free to call up my parents and go play laser tag in my backyard.

  4. Anonymous

    yeah, for some reason i always liked dying….finding myself at that last breath before death…but then having you guys come along and give me that strength to survive (usually smelling salts) and we’d pull through and fight back 10 times harder than we did in the beginning, killing 20 guys at once instead of one, and plowing through the enemy like oprah through twinkies (how smelling salts cured gunshot wounds and the like, i’ll never know)

    but looking back, it’s kind of a valuable lesson…no matter how low you are, how down and out you and everyone thinks you might be, if you can find that last bit of energy to lift you up, you can come back full force, maybe even stronger than you thought, and accomplish anything.

    i don’t know about you, but i’m catching a whiff of smelling salts…


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